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The Perfect Publican

Wine wit and whim
The Job Description for the Perfect Publican appears below. A Sunny disposition is the least of it!

A Publican must be an Autocrat, an Acrobat, a Doormat. He must be able to entertain Prime Ministers, Pick-Pockets, Pirates, Philanthropists and Police - and be on both sides of the Political Fence - a Footballer, Golfer, Bowler, Tennis Player, Dart Champion and Pigeon Fancier.

He has to settle arguments and fights, he must be a Qualified Boxer, Wrestler, Weightlifter, Sprinter and Peacemaker.

He must always look immaculate when drinking with Bankers, Swankers, Commercial Travellers and Company Representatives even though he has just stopped a beer- throwing contest in the Public Bar.

To be successful he must keep the Bars Full, the House Full, the Tanks Full, the storeroom Full and NOT get himself Full.

He must have Barmen who are Clean, Honest, Quick Workers and Thinkers, Non-Drinkers, Mathemeticians, Technicians, and at all times be on the Boss's side the Customer's side and stay on the inside of the Bar.

It is said that the Publican: Home-wrecks, takes Weekly Wage Cheques, in other words Saturates, Confiscates, Deteriorates and Propagates.

To sum up: He must be Outside, Inside, Offside, Glorified, Sanctified, Crucified, Stupefied, Cross-eyed, and if he is not the strong silent type there is SUICIDE.

(Original Author unknown)
The Perfect Publican
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Also probably the best Lager description in the world.. along with Lady Bracknell's Handbag, the motorised bar stool and other gems

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